


The Best Policy

by Ylevihs



Series: How Not to Fall [8]
Category: Fallen Hero Series - Malin Rydén, Fallen Hero: Rebirth (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Heavy Retribution spoilers, M/M, Suicide mention, canon typical self loathing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 04:15:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18402902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ylevihs/pseuds/Ylevihs
Summary: Richard confesses.





	The Best Policy

**Author's Note:**

> Oh dear.

Richard steadied himself.

Or he tried to, anyway. Deep breaths in. Deep breaths out. Deep in. Deep.

Don’t think about it. Don’t _over_ think about it. Let it happen. Let whatever needed to happen, happen and then accept and deal with the consequences. _Take responsibility for once in your life._ Daniel needed to know.

“You don’t have to,” Daniel drifted over from the kitchen, glass of water in hand, and landed lightly next to Richard on the couch. His hand made an appearance on Richard’s knee to coax it into stillness. When had he started bouncing it? Richard let the touch linger a moment before shifting away. He didn’t want any comfort from Daniel. Not in this instance. Not when he was about to.

“I do,” Richard mumbled, voice suddenly deciding that now was the perfect time to do its best impression of adolescence. Oh, wouldn’t that be perfect? Voice cracking like some fourteen year old while he broke Daniel’s heart. Had his own heart broken. The thought almost made Richard laugh, low and bitter and only on the inside. They say the first heartbreak’s always the worst. Ha ha. Never forget your first.

On the outside the muscles in his neck took a smoke break and Richard let his head fall forward into his hands, running his fingers through his hair and pulling slightly. A blossom of heat and oh, Daniel’s hand on his back. “You don’t,” he repeated. “Whatever it is you need to say…,” he trailed, rubbing a small circle between Richard’s shoulder blades. “You can take your time with it,”

Richard shook his head, wanted to shake the hand on his back away, and stared at the floor between his feet.

“The longer I wait the worse it’ll be,” and it was already going to be pretty awful.

Daniel’s thoughts swarmed, impossible to ignore with him sitting so close. With him touching. What could be worse, could cause so much more dread and anxiety, than telling Daniel that he was a regene? His thoughts cycled through a slew of options and Richard, unable to drag his own mind away, watched as some of Daniel’s theories came startlingly close.

Did it have to do with the Heartbreak incident?

Did it have to do with the people who made him? Or with the fact that he still didn’t think of himself as human? Was it something to do with Ortega? Or with how.

Richard tried not to let his own panic bleed into Daniel’s mind.

Or with how Richard got so angry whenever Mad Dog, or the injuries he gave Daniel, came up?

Daniel said, “Okay,” instead of voicing any of those thoughts. “I believe you. But there’s no rush, you know? It’s just me,” and without looking up Richard was sure that Daniel was smiling, trying to be reassuring. Comforting. Confused and slightly scared but wanting to be there for the person he cared about. Wanting to make it better. Be a hero.

It made Richard want to chuck himself off the roof. And. Ah, now there was an idea he could really get behind. Maybe when this was over, if Daniel didn’t knock him out or arrest him or…Richard could run up to the roof and.

Well.

At least now he had an exit strategy.

“You’re clenching your teeth,” Daniel’s voice was gentle and low and Richard forced himself to relax his jaw, ligaments crackling from the release of tension.

 _Get it over with, you coward. Get it over with so he can hate you like you know he should._  
“When I,” Richard swallowed hard, throat filled with broken glass. “When I went back to. Back there. After Heartbreak. When I…went back there after the Heartbreak,” he rocked himself back against the couch, dislodging Daniel’s hand. If he stared at the ceiling there was a chance he might glance over at Daniel, so he screwed his eyes shut and tightened his hold in his hair. He was rambling like a lunatic. Only going to get worse.

Daniel seeped in at the corners of his mind. Should he move closer? Should he hold him? God, he looked so scared and so.

“It was different,” which was a fine entry in the understatement of the century contest. “Before when I was in there it was just how the world worked. It was the only life I knew. I’m not human. I’m—they made me, made a tool, to do a job and it was the only job I could and would ever be good for. And. And they started using me for what they’d built me to do and I didn’t think anything of it because why would I? I didn’t hate it or love it or feel anything about it. It was just. It was just what my world was. Does a hammer feel bad about hitting nails? Or hate that it gets locked away in a toolbox when it’s not in use? Does it have any worries that if its handle breaks it will be thrown away and replaced? It’s metal and wood and it’s not supposed to _feel_ anything. But the more they used me, the more time I spent outside way from them. And the more time I spent away from them, the more I started to,”

There was a very small, very quiet part of Richard’s brain that informed him with a polite cough that he was verging closer and closer into having a panic attack. Closer to freaking Daniel out without ever having arrived at what he actually wanted to say. A much larger, louder part of Richard’s mind punched it in the mouth.

There was something emanating from Daniel, as well, but Richard was too far gone to focus on it.

“The world suddenly wasn’t what I thought it was. I was still a tool but…I didn’t want them to be the ones using me anymore. I got out and I thought I could make something of myself. Be something more than what they made me for. Use what they made me into to. To. I don’t even know,” Richard stopped trying to pull his own hair out and rubbed at his face, hard enough to see stars behind his closed eyes. He laughed, sharp and high pitched and like a mad man laughing at the blood on his hands. Only once. “And I. I got so close, whatever it was I trying to do. I thought that if I just kept up the lie that I was real and stayed careful, I could have a _life_. I could be a person. I could. I had. There were people who,” he felt warm liquid on the palms of his hands but the memory of Ortega first calling him his ‘friend’ was still too much. When he spoke again his voice sounded miles away, from the center of the earth. Clogged and choked and ragged. “People who thought I was a person. Who treated me like a _real person_ and,”

Something was happening to his shoulders and it took Richard’s mind a few moments to realize that it was Daniel holding him. Loose. Enough that if Richard needed to shrug him off it wouldn’t take anything more than a twitch. And when he didn’t twitch, tighter. Drawing him close to Daniel’s chest, close to the beating of his heart and steady rhythm of his breathing. He could feel that Daniel wanted to say something and pressed on.

“And I still couldn’t tell them because if they knew what I was, they would hate me. For lying and for being what I was and. They would send me back where I belonged and I knew I could never go back, knew going back would kill me and I couldn’t risk letting them know, so I never said anything and I’ve regretted it. I’ve regretted it every single day, but I still can’t make myself tell him,”

If Richard’s voice was coming from the Earth’s core, Daniel spoke from the rings of Saturn. “You haven’t told Ortega?” it was a whisper and there was something like horror flying in and out of Daniel’s swarm but Richard was in no place to follow it. 

Instead he snorted, loud and hysterical through his tears. He felt Daniel shifting, adjusting his embrace and still couldn’t make himself open his eyes to look at him. “Of course not. He’s seen what sort of monsters regenes are and he hates them. And I’ve been lying to him for so long and,” Richard shook his head, coming down a bit now. It was getting easier to breath. He was still. Oh. He was still shivering a little bit. More than a little bit. “No. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to tell him,”

And, feeling nothing but lost and helpless, Daniel said “Okay,” and then, after a long pause wherein Richard did his best to stop weeping: “It didn’t kill you,”

“What?” Richard’s voice cracked again, eyes flying open at that. Daniel spoke very slowly, a man treading on very thin ice.

“You said if you ever went back to that place, you knew it would kill you. It didn’t, Richard. You survived it,” and. Ah, beans, those were his lips pressing against Richard’s temple. “You’re alive and you’re here,”

The wave of hysteria almost broke completely over Richard’s head, threatening to drown him once and for all. “Ohhhhhhh, yes it fu–. Yes, I did, Daniel. I lost everything, everything I had worked and trained and suffered and lied for. I was nothing again, less than nothing, whatever had been in me and made it out in the world and made itself into Sidestep died. Bloody and broken and full of glass and dead in the street like. Like…,” Richard trailed and couldn’t bring himself to say Anathema’s name. “Five years and every day they found a new way for me to wish I was as dead as Sidestep, until it felt like I was. The things they do in there,” he bit his lip hard, the taste of iron helping to ground him. “So I made myself a promise that if I ever got out again, _when_ I got out again, I’d do everything I could to bring that place down. There are hundreds of people in there, _hundreds_ of people in that one place alone like me that can’t. Won’t. We might not be human but it doesn’t mean. They’ve got to be held accountable, and. And I decided to keep my promise,”

There was a finality to saying it out loud that made Richard’s blood run cold. No going back now.

That wasn’t true he could just go in and yank it out of Daniel’s head.

Stop that.

No going back. 

“But I can’t exactly come forward like your everyday whistle blower. So I. I decided,” he took in a deep breath. Another. Closing his eyes and ah, beans, Daniel was still. Arms secure and growing tighter. One of his hands found Richard’s shoulder and pulled his torso into shifting closer. His thoughts were crashing together too quickly for Richard to get any sort of clear read on them. There was a lot of confusion. A lot of fear. Anger. “Exposing what they really do in that place could. _Will_ make a lot of people very angry. People in very high places. They’ll call it an act of terrorism, at the very least, so I figured I may as well play the part,” he let his voice grow quiet and felt the patter of wings as Daniel’s mind worked to place what he meant.

Daniel’s hold loosened on him enough that Richard did twitch away, forcing himself to open his eyes. To look at what he was doing. Daniel on the other hand was making a point not to meet his gaze, eyes trained slightly down at where his hand still held Richard’s shoulder.

“I’ve done things I’m not proud of,” he said slowly. Willing Daniel to look at him and completely unwilling to make Daniel look at him. “And I’ve done some things I hate myself for, that I’ll never forgive myself for. And one thing that makes me want to kill myself more than anything they ever did to me,” Daniel’s fear spiked and his thoughts went haywire, flying in random before clustering around _oh god, oh god has he killed somebody?_ “I haven’t killed anyone,” Richard said sharply, fear honing his words till they were razor thin. “I’ve done everything I can to make sure no one dies because of me. I don’t. I’ve never wanted anyone to die besides myself,” and Daniel’s thoughts shimmered, fluttering, unsure and nervous and wanting to believe. Not wanting to believe. Still not looking at his face. “But. But I did. I did hurt…,”

_Do it. Do it do it do it you disgusting hypocrite, saying that they need to be held accountable and being too much a coward to take your own dues._

_Say it._

_Say._

He realized, distantly, that he was crying again. “I hurt you,” and before Daniel’s thoughts could even begin to process that, “When I first learned about you I hated you. You were everything I had tried so hard, and failed, to be when I was Sidestep and you made it seem so natural. Like it came to you so easily and I hated you because you were so much better than me. So perfect. And when I got the chance to take it out on you,” Richard forced himself to keep his eyes on Daniel’s face. Forced himself to watch as Daniel’s expression went blank and then began to twist. Fear. Confusion. Doubt. Anger. Back to fear. Fear. “I hurt you,” those three words doing nothing to communicate what Richard really wanted them to. “And you never thought it was me that did it. You let me get close to you and I realized that I was right. You are better than me. You’re better than me in every way I can think of. You’re actually a good person and I’m nothing. Just the fucking monster everyone always said I was. I’m in love with you and all I want to do is kill myself for what I did to you. What I’m doing to you,”

Fear, still. More anger. Pain confusion anger fear the sensory memory of oh god oh god the twist crack of metal and ribs and white hot exploding nerves frying screaming pain of his kneecap of his arm broken broken bruises nightmares steady electronic sterile beeping of the machines in the hospital.

Richard choked back the vomit rising up his throat. 

“You’re Mad Dog,”

“I’m sorry,”

Daniel’s thoughts scattered, too many directions, too many emotions and too many visceral physical warm soft tender mouth pressed to the surgical scars on his knee and. Stuttered stopped stood standing.

Daniel stood up and started hovering, pacing in the air, alternating glances back to where Richard sat and the ceiling. His thoughts were a steady stream of flustered profanity. Richard forced himself to stay still and watch. To wait for it. He pulled back as best he could, still feeling knee deep in Daniel’s mind from how he was forcing his emotions forward. Richard wiped at his eyes, head echoing with the familiar knock of a migraine on the front door. 

Whatever Daniel was thinking about was agitating him, the speed and height of his floating increasing. He put his hands on his hips. Took his hands off his hips. Swore under his breath. Looked like he was going to start crying. Was he going to make a move? It would be easy enough from his position to tackle Richard and keep him pinned.

Especially if Richard didn’t try to fight back. Would he fight back? Even try?

“You’re in love with me?”

Richard nearly choked on his tongue.

“ _That’s_ the part you’re stuck on?”

“What. The _fuck_. Do you want me to focus on then, Richard? That you’re a villain? That you nearly killed me? What the hell?” Daniel’s volume rose, not quite shouting but close enough. “I had nightmares for weeks about Mad Dog, is that what you want me to talk about?” he stopped pacing, looming over Richard. It did look like he was going to start crying but was too furious to actually let it happen.

“Yes!” Richard’s voice, without his consent, rose to match it. “Say something, do. Anything. Hit me at least,” he straightened up in the couch, holding Daniel’s gaze. Practically presenting himself. Wanting it. Wanting Daniel to lose it just a little and return some of the hurt he never deserved back to Richard.

“Oh, for God’s–I’m not gonna—do you want me to hit you?” yelling now.

“I don’t know! Why are you asking what I want?” shouting back.

“I don’t know! Why are you telling me this at all?”

“Because I can’t keep pretending like it didn’t happen! I can’t. I,” Richard collapsed back into the couch, hands covering his face. Crying again. Useless. “I’m so tired of having to lie about everything. To everyone. And you’re. You’re the only person I’ve ever _trusted_. Trusted enough to know what I am and I ruined it, months ago. The only person I’ve ever. And I hurt you and you need to know that I did,” voice cracking, he let his hands fall away, shaking. He suddenly felt hollow, “I’m so sorry, Daniel. I would take it back in a second if I could,”

There was silence. A lot of it. Enough to fill every empty space in Richard’s bones and then seep out into his blood. Daniel’s emotions were swirling; he didn’t know what he was feeling. Betrayed, played through the strongest. Daniel stared down at him, nearly high enough for his hair to touch the ceiling.

“Say it again,” Richard could hear the tears in Daniel’s voice.

“I’m sorry,”

And the following pause was agonizing. 

“Again,” Daniel sounded closer and Richard chanced opening his eyes to see what the Ranger was doing. Descending. Almost with his feet fully on the ground, just in front of the couch. And yes, his eyes were definitely watering. Red.

“I’m so sorry, Daniel, I,”

“Mean it,”

“I’ve never regretted doing anything more,”

“If I,” and Daniel sniffed loudly as he landed. Cursed again. “That night, when you showed me your tattoos and we… I found you on the roof. You were trying to kill yourself, weren’t you?”

“I was thinking about it,” compared to everything else, it was an easy admission.

“Because of this.” It wasn’t a question. Richard nodded anyway. “I’m,” he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Gonna need a minute to deal with this,” he said finally and Richard felt his heart tremble. And then, to Richard’s utter surprise, Daniel sat down next to him on the couch again. Sniffling back his tears in short inhales and ragged sighs. “Is. Is there anything else you need to tell me about?” Daniel spoke slowly, clasping his hands in front of himself.

“Yes,” Richard said after a minute. Because there was still Mitzi and all the matching luggage sets of guilt The Farm had saddled him with. “None of them have to do with you, though. Just. Other things I’m not proud of,”

There was a moment where Daniel tried to weigh how much he was still willing to believe Richard against how badly his heart was aching.

“Maybe not tonight. But I do want to know about them,”

“Okay,” Richard agreed, feeling dizzy. Was. Was Daniel not? Not even making a move to kick him out? What the— “I can do that,”

“Are you really in love with me?”

“Sorry,” and that got Daniel to at least look at him again. Richard nodded, still reeling with his own terror and confusion and. “I am. I love you,” Daniel blinked at him, silent for a while. It took every ounce of self-control Richard had not to delve into his brain and sift through his thoughts.

“Okay,” Daniel unclenched his hands. “I don’t forgive you,” which was fair. “Not yet, anyway.”

“Okay.” Richard parroted, numb and on fire and cried empty. Daniel continued sniffing and wiping his eyes next to him. Making no move to get Richard out or away from him or. Huh. “That went better than I expected it to,” which wasn’t a joke and it wasn’t funny but Daniel snorted weakly anyway. 

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, I still haven’t decided if I’m going to arrest you,”


End file.
